I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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