Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
