So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
