omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
