So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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