I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
