you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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