Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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