and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
