I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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