Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
