I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
