i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
im six kinds of drunk right now
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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