Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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