Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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