Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
