I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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