Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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