you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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