You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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