Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
