my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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