Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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