i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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