i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
