I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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