i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
