im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
