Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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