Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
