you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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