I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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