what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I will be naked everywhere
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
