Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
