I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
