When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
