his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
