I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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