I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
