If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
