did you get engaged???
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
