I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
