I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
