2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
