There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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