Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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