He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
