God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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