my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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