I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
