I cannot find my penis.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
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