Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
