I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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