I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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