I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize